Alter ego: The Judge’s law clerk.
Arbitration: A place where lawyers develop bad habits they
have to unlearn in court.
Beneficiary: The person at the funeral everyone is trying to befriend.
Campaign contribution: A cost of doing business for lawyers in
states with an elected judiciary.
Contested Divorce: The transfer of a couple’s wealth to
their lawyers.
Difference: Two
things which are not the same. As in the
old joke: “What’s the difference between God and a Federal Judge? God does not think he’s a Federal Judge.”
Election of Remedies: Not an option in the 2016 Presidential race.
Fool: (1) Someone who represents himself. (2) The lawyer who handled the case before you were hired to replace him.
Government: Corruption.
Hearing Officer: An employee of a local government agency, with no legal training and the power to ruin your life.
Hearsay: Evidence which is so incredibly unreliable that
there are only 2,714 exceptions which will allow it to be admitted.
Insurance: Originally intended as a method for avoiding accountability. Which is ironic, since you are more likely to be sued if you have it than if you don’t.
Intellectual Property: Real estate that’s really, really,
clever, and likes to read.
Joint Tenancy: A bad way to co-own property if the other owner has ever been convicted of a violent felony.
Judge: (1) The person assigned to decide all questions of
law in your complex secured transactions case. Hopefully, she wasn't just appointed to the bench shortly after spending 20 years as a public defender in the criminal justice system, where she had no exposure to secured transactions law whatsoever. (2) If that hope fails, a good reason to mediate.
Jury: (1) The group of people assigned to decide all of the extremely
technical questions of fact in your complex secured transactions case, hopefully seven of them are not currently "between jobs." (2) If that hope fails, a good reason
to mediate.
Kangaroo court: A court that rules against you.
Liable: A common misspelling of libel.
Libel: A common misspelling of liable.
Lobbyists: The authors of the U.S. Code and the Nevada Revised Statutes.
Mine: “A hole in the ground with a liar on top.” Mark Twain.
Parole Evidence Rule: How you misspell “Parol Evidence Rule” if you
were watching COPS with the closed-captioning on when you should have been
focused on your First Year Contracts homework.
Principal: (1) A common misspelling of “Principle”. (2) What you call someone you think is in charge
of a company when you aren’t sure what exactly his or her title is. (3) The
person you knew in your youth, a visit to whose office is now what you are
reminded of when you have been called to appear before the Discovery Commissioner or the Federal Magistrate. (4) The very last thing a bank will apply your payment towards.
Principle: Things
that matter. For example, when a potential new client says, “It’s
not about the money; it’s about the principle
of the thing” this means: “Get a big retainer; because I’ll
be ignoring your invoices."
Res Ipsa Loquitur: A latin phrase meaning “We don’t know whose
really to blame, so it must be you.”
Retire the Debt Party: A chance to make amends if you
contributed to the losing judicial candidate.
Rule Against Perpetuities: A court rule that limits briefs to
under 30 pages.
Sausage Factory: The Legislature.
Sausage Ingredients:
Greed; Human misery; Special Interest Groups seeking legal treatment in
violation of the equal protection clause of the Constitution; Things at which someone
has taken umbrage; constitutional provisions which mandate that the legislature meet every two years, whether they really need to or not.
Separation of Powers: A myth they taught you in High School.
Sovereign Immunity: Why government workers don't need liability insurance.
Stare Decisis. A
latin phrase meaning “Just as some financial institutions are too big to fail,
some judicial errors are too old to correct.”
Tax lawyer: “A person whose really good with numbers, but
didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant.” (Hat tip to a law professor whose name I
can’t remember.)
The: A definitive article which the Nevada Bar considers
unethical in lawyer advertising. You may
call yourself “A big kahuna” on your classy Billboard, but not “THE big kahuna.”
Tortuous: (1) How Microsoft Word (and therefore your paralegal) thinks “tortious” is supposed to be spelled in a personal injury complaint. (2)
Waterboarding. (3) Attending a CLE Seminar
on commercial leases.
TOTBAL: "There ought to be a law" as in: There ought to be a law that Netflix cannot stop streaming the TV show you've been binging without giving you 90 days notice.
TOTBAL: "There ought to be a law" as in: There ought to be a law that Netflix cannot stop streaming the TV show you've been binging without giving you 90 days notice.
